Insecurity and Introspection

“Striving to live an extraordinary life, even through ordinary circumstances.”

 

Tomorrow, I turn 42 years old.

Not a significant number, by any means, and yet, I’ve been feeling intgrospective and a bit sad. 

Whether it’s related to my birthday or not is unclear. I could blame it on the lunar eclipse. Or this season of cold weather, slight loneliness and a holiday cheer that feels elusive despite the fact that I’m surrounded by festivity. 

Perhaps, though, it’s just simple mid-life musings and my positive attitude shifting a notch.

I have never considered myself to be affected by winter blues or seasonal depression, so I can’t put my finger on why I’ve been so blasé the last couple of weeks. But this isn’t like me… and others have noticed.

“Are you doing ok? It’s not like you not to be smiling!”

 

Which is true. I naturally exude a loving, positive energy, and it’s rare not to see a smile upon my face. I keep my chin up, roll with the punches and strive to uplift those who surround me. I have always been this way, since childhood. My mother calls it my “gift.”

And yet, through the last couple of weeks, I’ve caught myself criticizing my reflection in the mirror ~ discontent with my weight, my hair, my overall appearance. Feeling fat. Feeling ugly. Feeling unloved. Subsequently, I end up disappointed and angry at myself for having such thoughts, because I know better than to wallow in trivial self-doubt.

Life is much larger than my ridiculous personal misgivings.

At the same time, however, I feel somewhat entitled to have these negative perceptions. I feel empowered to dwell in my hesitations and depressions on occasion, because they allow me to reevaluate where I’m at, what I’m doing and where it is I want to go. Without these introspective moments, I might miss out on the opportunity to evolve and grow.

There is an occasional misconception that life is all sunshine and roses

And that we must float upon clouds and kiss butterflies all day

Wearing infectious, unfaltering smiles upon our faces

While masking the emotional barriers we hurdle over.

But even the most upbeat person faces moments of doubt and insecurity

And it’s natural and perfectly all right, because those are the moments 

That strengthen our character and offer opportunities for change. ~ E.Z.

 

Yesterday, a good friend reminded me that I am an asset to this world. I am thankful for our conversation, because it helped me place all of this in a better perspective: treat moments of inner struggle and self-doubt as learning opportunities. Grow from them and know that introspection is healthy and beneficial to overall well-being.

And as the saying goes:

 I know it will.