Tag Archives: Depression

I Know A Woman

I know a woman 

      Who hated her own reflection, 

      Who buried her emotions in food, 

          Who never felt pretty enough,  

          Skinny enough, 

          Good enough, 

Despite all of the positive aspects she possessed.  

 

I know a woman 

      Who shared infectious laughter, 

      Who was loved by many 

          Who never felt good enough,  

          Pretty enough,  

          Strong enough, 

Despite all of the encouragement she received. 

 

I know a woman  

      Who decided upon lap-band, 

      Who starved herself sick, 

          Who never felt skinny enough, 

          Worthy enough, 

          Empowered enough, 

Despite all of the natural beauty she portrayed. 

 

I know a woman 

      Who rapidly lost pounds, 

      Who obsessed over scale numbers, 

          Who never felt successful enough, 

          Capable enough, 

          Beautiful enough, 

Despite her weight-loss accomplishments. 

 

I know a woman 

      Who was unsatisfied, 

      Who buried her emotions in alcohol, 

          Who never felt worthy enough,  

          Uplifted enough,  

          Pretty enough, 

Despite all of the great qualities she had tucked away.  

 

I know a woman 

      Who found solace in bars, 

      Who craved adulterous attention, 

         Who never felt attractive enough,  

          Beautiful enough,  

          Interesting enough, 

Despite having transformed her appearance. 

 

I know a woman 

      Who was uncomfortable in her skin,  

      Who turned to plastic surgery, 

          Who never felt attractive enough,  

          Firm enough, 

          Smooth enough, 

Despite the extreme makeover she’d been granted. 

 

I know a woman 

      Who lost her sweet nature, 

      Who misplaced her social skills, 

           Who spoke only the language of diet, 

           Mixed drinks, 

          Weekend partying, 

Despite the fact that no one wanted to listen anymore. 

 

I know a woman 

      Who is skinny and unsatisfied, 

      Who lost the respect of friends, 

      Who wears a shell that’s slowly cracking 

      Who pretends to be happy, 

      Who buries her emotions in designer clothes, 

          Dirty martinis, 

          Flirtatious conduct, 

          Manipulative actions, 

          And obsessive behavior

Despite the fact that what she really needs…

 

Is to stop running and seek help.

 

This is dedicated to L, who transformed herself into an almost unrecognizable person, despite concern and encouragement from those who care, including myself.
It goes to show that even successful weight loss does not always equal happiness. Sometimes, the problems run much deeper than flesh. My prayer is that, someday, L will reach out and seek the assistance that she needs ~ and that others in  similar positions will do the same.  

 

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Filed under A Touch of Inspiration

Insecurity and Introspection

“Striving to live an extraordinary life, even through ordinary circumstances.”
 

Tomorrow, I turn 42 years old.

Not a significant number, by any means, and yet, I’ve been feeling intgrospective and a bit sad. 

Whether it’s related to my birthday or not is unclear. I could blame it on the lunar eclipse. Or this season of cold weather, slight loneliness and a holiday cheer that feels elusive despite the fact that I’m surrounded by festivity. 

Perhaps, though, it’s just simple mid-life musings and my positive attitude shifting a notch.

I have never considered myself to be affected by winter blues or seasonal depression, so I can’t put my finger on why I’ve been so blasé the last couple of weeks. But this isn’t like me… and others have noticed.

“Are you doing ok? It’s not like you not to be smiling!”
 

Which is true. I naturally exude a loving, positive energy, and it’s rare not to see a smile upon my face. I keep my chin up, roll with the punches and strive to uplift those who surround me. I have always been this way, since childhood. My mother calls it my “gift.”

And yet, through the last couple of weeks, I’ve caught myself criticizing my reflection in the mirror ~ discontent with my weight, my hair, my overall appearance. Feeling fat. Feeling ugly. Feeling unloved. Subsequently, I end up disappointed and angry at myself for having such thoughts, because I know better than to wallow in trivial self-doubt.

Life is much larger than my ridiculous personal misgivings.

At the same time, however, I feel somewhat entitled to have these negative perceptions. I feel empowered to dwell in my hesitations and depressions on occasion, because they allow me to reevaluate where I’m at, what I’m doing and where it is I want to go. Without these introspective moments, I might miss out on the opportunity to evolve and grow.

There is an occasional misconception that life is all sunshine and roses
And that we must float upon clouds and kiss butterflies all day
Wearing infectious, unfaltering smiles upon our faces
While masking the emotional barriers we hurdle over.
But even the most upbeat person faces moments of doubt and insecurity
And it’s natural and perfectly all right, because those are the moments 
That strengthen our character and offer opportunities for change. ~ E.Z.
 

Yesterday, a good friend reminded me that I am an asset to this world. I am thankful for our conversation, because it helped me place all of this in a better perspective: treat moments of inner struggle and self-doubt as learning opportunities. Grow from them and know that introspection is healthy and beneficial to overall well-being.

And as the saying goes:

 I know it will.

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Filed under A Touch of Inspiration, Musings and Thoughts